at this point i don’t even need a long term friend i just need somebody who will let me cry into their lap and tell me it’s gonna be ok and that i matter even if they don’t mean it i just need to hear somebody say it
i crave physcial contact but at the same time i don’t feel like i deserve it, and the thought of somebody actually wanting to touch me scares the shit out of me and ive gotten to the point where i close my eyes when im getting dressed because i have a full length mirror in the middle of it and i have to pass by it to get to my clothes because i just hate myself too much
if i killed myself, life wouldn’t stop happening. people would move on. maybe they’d cry a little bit, and talk about what a good kid i was, and how it was so out of the blue, but that’s only because if i talked about my feelings, they would ignore it or called me selfish. i cant feel important or validated or even connect with my own parents because they’re so stuck in the land of fox news and god. they talked about my sister’s friend’s little sister attempting suicide, and how sad it was and how broken and sad their family is, and i couldnt stop thinking about how when i tried to kill myself, and how if i said anything they wouldnt believe me, or how they would make me go to church. i would have tried again. my family is no help at all.
when i went to kyle’s memorial, SO MANY people showed up, but that’s only because he contributed; he made friends, he played sports, he was social and fun and smart and everything i’m not. im just a sad, fat, ugly waste of space and all i do is sit around and whine to people on the internet who don’t even give a shit about me either i fucking hate hate hate myself